This weeke
nd I got my mileage check for the year (I know, if you submit these claims within 60 days then they aren't taxed... SORRY). Courtney and I each got a new outfit (so that I can go to her sister's wedding and so that she can have pink plaid pants to train people in at work, ummm... she wins). We also got a "Baja Chimney" from Little Baja, which we decided was a much better idea than a fire pit in the yard that the kids can fall into. We have this agony over buying anything though, which I will get into, but now that it's home we're totally happy that we decided to get one. PLUS, $100 at Little Baja isn't bad for a squatty fireplace in your yard, aye? We love Senior' Squatty Pants and immediately did a bunch of yard work to make him feel more at home! (Oh and speaking of yard work, the tomatoes are up to my head and the corn to my shoulders... and I am NOT a short person!!!!)
nd I got my mileage check for the year (I know, if you submit these claims within 60 days then they aren't taxed... SORRY). Courtney and I each got a new outfit (so that I can go to her sister's wedding and so that she can have pink plaid pants to train people in at work, ummm... she wins). We also got a "Baja Chimney" from Little Baja, which we decided was a much better idea than a fire pit in the yard that the kids can fall into. We have this agony over buying anything though, which I will get into, but now that it's home we're totally happy that we decided to get one. PLUS, $100 at Little Baja isn't bad for a squatty fireplace in your yard, aye? We love Senior' Squatty Pants and immediately did a bunch of yard work to make him feel more at home! (Oh and speaking of yard work, the tomatoes are up to my head and the corn to my shoulders... and I am NOT a short person!!!!)So back to the changing directions and the money issue. Courtney and I have been at odds for awhile over my job. I don't think that she was able to see just how traumatic work has become, both in the things I witness and the things I have to deal with 
politically. I also wasn't doing a very good job of explaining to her that I DID hear her fears surrounding my leaving this job: insurance, mortgage, car payment, student loan, security... but that the price was becoming too high. Yesterday we hung out with Senior' Squatty Pants and she said that since I was off last week she could see that I was able to relax, and that my week off before didn't even let me do that because there was so much garbage at work. I think that because there was so much emotion tied up in not wanting to let one another down, we had stopped talking about this which then made it feel so hopeless. It felt validating to hear Courtney say that she could see my job crushing my spirit, especially after I went back refreshed and within a day or two turned into a wreck. She also reminded me of when I would quit smoking and then sneak them at work, just to make it through the day.
politically. I also wasn't doing a very good job of explaining to her that I DID hear her fears surrounding my leaving this job: insurance, mortgage, car payment, student loan, security... but that the price was becoming too high. Yesterday we hung out with Senior' Squatty Pants and she said that since I was off last week she could see that I was able to relax, and that my week off before didn't even let me do that because there was so much garbage at work. I think that because there was so much emotion tied up in not wanting to let one another down, we had stopped talking about this which then made it feel so hopeless. It felt validating to hear Courtney say that she could see my job crushing my spirit, especially after I went back refreshed and within a day or two turned into a wreck. She also reminded me of when I would quit smoking and then sneak them at work, just to make it through the day.Now I feel better about going to work on Monday. Not great, it still makes me feel a TON of anxiety. Weird, because I KNOW I was just talking about how SOMEONE had to do this job and if not ME then who. I think that this is the mantra that we all tell ourselves in order to make it through. I also think that once you see it as only a mantra, you begin to freak out about all of the things that could go wrong, the kids who could be in harms way right this very second because of decisions that 
YOU made. And that doesn't even bring in all of the pressure at every turn to get everything done when you only have time to do about seven hundred things in a day if you really hurry (because you can be THAT good) instead of nine million.
YOU made. And that doesn't even bring in all of the pressure at every turn to get everything done when you only have time to do about seven hundred things in a day if you really hurry (because you can be THAT good) instead of nine million.So, it's time for a new... switchback. That one really works because what we would really like is for me to find a part time job and then have one parent be able to focus on all of the kids 'stuff' as they move into this crazy school time. I think that they will miss daycare initially, but I also think we can go visit, sign up for a class, volunteer to work in the garden... some
thing like that, so they can still see their teachers. There are SO MANY details to work out, the biggest of which are: a new part time job with medical and enough pay to continue to make the mortgage. I mean, the house at times is a beast... but I feel like it is the kind of house that kids should grown up in. When Ruby says, "Mommy, this is our house forever and ever and we don't have to ever move... right?" I like being able to say, "That's right sweets!"
thing like that, so they can still see their teachers. There are SO MANY details to work out, the biggest of which are: a new part time job with medical and enough pay to continue to make the mortgage. I mean, the house at times is a beast... but I feel like it is the kind of house that kids should grown up in. When Ruby says, "Mommy, this is our house forever and ever and we don't have to ever move... right?" I like being able to say, "That's right sweets!"If I can keep all of this in mind, then I think I can keep a calm center when I re-enter work on Monday. I also will not give it the power of calling it 'hell' or 'the camp' or 'the bastard ranch' as others have at times been known to do (and by others, I do indeed include myself). I have to work a bit while I build up a cushion, get a job, and set things into motion. My goal is to leave before the new year starts. There are two thoughts on that: one, I need and end date and two, if I decide to go back to school I want an entire year with no DHS paycheck for grants/loans/etc. I'm still not sure about school though. I think I would like to take a class or two at: http://atticwritersworkshop.com/ and work on my writing before delving onto a new career that I feel lukewarm about. I have a lot of material, perhaps it's time to get it all out on paper. I can see the therapeutic interest in that as well.
