what I have been doing this week? Grieving. I think I have been setting aside so much grief that it blindsides me when I fill up with it to capacity. Last Fall Carl died, and our bizarro job had us practically working around his body (he died at home, so not really but you see what I am saying). Then in May the baby on my case load died and I was ripped up but really, I still had to work. Part of my job invites grief and loss and I hate that part. Now, on top of that Marina leaves and my whole unit is tearing apart. I am losing not only a pseudo-mother, but one who acts the way a mother is supposed to act, who tells me to believe in myself and makes me works through difficult things when I don't want to. I feel really lost and alone. I guess it's fine to feel pretty sad about all of that. I think it's just been too much. Carl and the baby are smaller losses to me, not to their loved ones. But in my life, Megan is a gaping hole that will never quite fill or close. Ingrid is right in there with her as is Natalie, even my father and now 
Marina. Soon my unit will join her... yuck. I'm not feeling as messed up about it today, but I am giving also myself permission to grieve the loss which may be helping.This week, since I was IN the bathroom anyway, I put up some shelves, looks good, aye? I also melted down the kids yucca mukka crayons into new ones for chore prizes. It's weird to find ways to fill your time when you're not asleep and you just keep crying and crying. Well, and then sleeping. Not to worry, I went to have someone check that out yesterday... I'm on my way towards recovery. I hope to be better before work Monday because I HAVE to go back there. Besides sometimes it just fills your head up and gets bigger than it needs to be.
My brain feels sluggish and numb today... I'm sure my writing is crap. I'm done.
