Mommy Me Time

I was reading a mainstream parenting magazine (I'm not even sure how it got into the house... but somehow they manage to find their way in from time to time, sauntering in boldly like they own the joint or something) and I came across this little snippet on the bottom of a page that totally irked me.

I'm reasonably sure that my thoughts on this are not unique, I even have a nagging suspicion that I read something similar to this in that book "The Mommy Myth" which is an interesting read and is empowering if you're feeling guilty about working and actually enjoying the work that you do. (I'm not totally sure that this pertains to me... I think that given the chance I would stay home and nurture the fuck out of my bambinos while they are still teensy, but that's not terribly relevant right now.) I think what I read there was more along the lines of calling magazines and parenting books out on their "how to get more done instead of just wasting those tiny moments of time when you're: waiting in line at the grocery store or waiting for your child to finish using the toilet at the zoo. "Do your kegels ladies, update your 'to do' list, etc." My beef is a bit more personal and I think a bit more damaging to the soul of mothers who are trying their best to raise babies into reasonably well adjusted adults.

The snippet in the magazine showed three things that "shouldn't count as ME time but will do in a pinch" or something to that effect. Do you want to know what they are? Eating three tortilla chips with some fancy salsa at the store when they are giving out free samples... now THAT is some quality 'me' time! Thumbing through a catalog at your child's friends house while your child finds her shoes and puts them on... YAY! And, to be honest I think the other thing was either so lame or so horrifying that I have blocked it out.

Don't accept that as 'me' time if you want to replenish your battery enough to keep hanging with the wee ones in any type of meaningful way. That is the way to make yourself crazy in a hurry! I recently heard about a foster/adoptive mother who began using methamphetamines and everyone was totally shocked because she was so "nice and together". Well... hmmm. Ever wonder how she was able to get it all done so well AND have a husband who worked nights AND have no friends or support? Meth has become a housewife drug and the reasons are twofold: it's cheap/easy to obtain and it gives you the energy and the desire to continue to be superhuman. Think about how fucked up it is that the mothers of American society are turning to a substance made of common household chemicals in order to make it through another day. For Christ sake people... let them have more time than just a thumb through a magazine and three tortilla chips at the friggin grocery store!

Two weeks ago my boss (the amazing one who is being forced to leave against her will because she didn't play her political cards right... mfkrs!) made me flex out the two days worth of overtime I had worked. I was worried that I would just get behind on all of the progress I had made working the overtime. She assured me that this indeed would happen but that it didn't matter. The next morning Roo wanted me to go on her field trip with her and I kind of wanted to go too. But then I thought about the fact that Eph had a field trip that day too and they both had field trips again the next day and if I went with her then I would have to go the next day with him so I told her I didn't have a lunch. Then she said we could share a lunch. Fuck. That was the cutest think I had ever heard. I asked which field trip that day was and it was a loooong one. So I said I couldn't go and I left feeling like the worst mother in the world.

The thing is, my battery was totally drained. I had been working way too much and I knew that if I didn't go take care of myself then I would be no good to them that weekend. So, I went to an old cemetery that I'd gone to as a kid (I think because it was the only place that I could go and be alone where it was quiet) and took some black and white pictures. Then I went up in the woods for a long hike and finished a book I was reading. By the end of the day I felt like a different person. The next day I went and bought a couple of new clothes, since my work clothes had gotten embarrassing, and then came home and got the house ready for a really fun weekend with the kids.

Had I let myself believe that the only way I could be a good parent was to sacrifice every moment to them... I would have been a grump all weekend and I think that rather than remember the field trip, they would remember the grumpy cranky mommy who never wanted to do fun stuff like let them drag all their toys out back for a wedding or edge the front yard with scissors. I have no doubt that they will always remember me teaching them to gently blow on a bee if it alights on a flower that's too close to them so it will fly away. Those are the moments that childhood and parenting magic are made of... but we have to be present in our minds and bodies in order to make them with our children.

Should I have gone on the field trip? I don't know!!!! But I do know that if we don't take care of ourselves (even if you don't have a psycho job like I do) then we cannot take care of our children. Everyone uses this analogy to death... but they do it because it's true and it works: You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first if you want to be able to get it on your child! If you try to do it the other way around, chances are you'll just pass out. Or worse, you'll leave your child to try and put it on you... and children are not supposed to be taking care of their parents!!