Every now and then, life really really sucks big ass. Today has been one of those days. In the grand scheme of things, it's not so bad. Nobody died, nobody is ill, I have a home and my children are safe.... but can I still just say that I had a REALLY bad day? Because it fucking sucked!
Perhaps it all started when I forgot my oatmeal with rice milk and apples this morning... maybe that was an omen of some sort. Although, if forgetting your cup of breakfast is an omen then I would be having a lot of bad days. When I got to work something seemed to be afoot. There were a lot of managers going in and out of closed door meetings and my supervisor looked funny and sort of off. At ten-ish I went home and grabbed my mug-o-gruel and when I came back I saw two supervisors gossiping terribly.... SO... I went to the office support staff to ask what was up... and whadda ya know... our fearless leader was being transferred to another branch because "they needed someone with experience". BULLSHIT! What really happened? They moved her because she stood up for us and when you work for the man and you stand up for your convictions against the wrong people you get FUCKED UP THE ASS!
We all went out for one of the saddest lunches ever. I think our waitress thought we'd been to a funeral. Then, we had to go to a meeting where the big mucky muck came to tell us that their bottom line is child safety and we are so good at what we do that they feel like we can handle a supervisor with no experience so they're sending our supervisor to a floundering branch. I guess there's some logic behind that... except that we work in the area of the state with the highest crime rate and the highest poverty rate and thus the highest incidence of child abuse in the state. WE need a supervisor who has experience and can help us work through our cases to a solid resolution not someone who is asking US what to do.
We also learned that we are getting blamed for having the highest incidence of terminations of parental rights in the state... despite that we also have the best reputation with the court system, DDA's, AAG's, attorney's and CASA's. Apparently nobody can see that the demographics of our population lead to the number of terminations that we deal with. Nobody is listening when we tell them that the DDA's decide if a case goes to termination and the court also has to approve it. I guess the bottom line is... nobody is listening.
The thing is... despite that long rant... this COULD be really cool. I am hoping to move to the other branch that is housed in the same building I'm in. I am also hoping I could do protective service work. I HATE terminating people's parental rights... it totally sucks! I mean, I like the work I do because I like that I can be planful in my decisions and that I can give parents the time and attention they deserve instead of moving quickly to sever the ties with their children.
Still... try to imagine sitting in a jail and slipping papers through a slot so that a man can sob while signing over his parental rights. Over and over he signs his name... taking time periodically to turn away and blow his nose. See... sucks. Imagine watching a man decide between making his daughters testify against him or signing over his parental rights... sucks. Imagine a woman crying outside of a courtroom and begging you to just go testify like she's not there because she cannot bear to sign her name all of the times it would take to surrender her four children. Worse than all of that though... picture the mother who quickly signs her name giving up the rights to her nine year old child so that she won't have to pay 300.00 in back child support to the state. That one probably hurt the worst, because that poor baby will know that the decision wasn't made out of love or with her best interests in mind.
So, I'm hoping to change jobs. Maybe help to prevent the kids from being removed in the first place. Maybe work with families before things get too bad. No... I WILL GET THE JOB THAT I WANT! I WILL BE HAPPY IN THAT JOB! THIS WILL BE A GOOD THING!
Nothing like some positive affirmations on a shitty day, aye? That and a good hug and a kiss with the sweet babies. Although, I made them a bit sad I think because I started crying and then Eph wanted to stay here and not go to Mama's house. I told him that was fine, and that he could choose. But then he couldn't decide... so I told him to go and have a great time and that I would see him tomorrow. Then I cried when they left because I didn't really want him to go either. So, now I think I'll go be sad a bit more. Tomorrow I have a visit at the park all morning and then I need to get some work done because today NOTHING got done.
You may ask yourself why I continue to do the job that I do... but let me ask you this: If not me, then who? Someone needs to do this work. Someone with a heart and a soul. When I start to feel those things slipping out of my work, when I start to feel like I am making decisions based on policy and not human compassion... someone please tell me to get the fuck out!
Thing 1
Thing 2
