Heaven help me...

Which saint is this? He looks like he could help!

Bleck I'm feeling sick and just plain crummy today. BUT it lead me back to blogger, and I miss this a lot! However... life is busy so who really knows when I will drop in here again! Right now it's: Wedding, yard and house work, trial prep for next week (but I don't think that will happen) and of course: getting ready to grow thing 3! That part's pretty thrilling! Urf... need to go back to being sick now!

Pictures Found

Probably the BEST Christmas gift were some photos of Megan I found, they're priceless and somehow looking at pictures of her on the photo slide show brings her back in a heartbreaking but sweet way.

I BROKE MY NOSE!!

Probably the worst Christmas gift I got this year was a broken nose. At least I did it to myself... I imagine it's harder to be kind and understanding about someone else accidentally making you feel like your face just exploded! I now will have a little bit of a crooked nose, but am otherwise fine. Whew! Oh, what happened? I'll let you guess: it happened when I was standing behind the car, suitcases were involved and there was a large elastic item with giant metal ends.

Snowy Christmas!

I know that a lot of people had a hard time with all of the snow we got this year. Portland just isn't prepared for 19+ inches of snow... but I loved it. For me the saddest part was that the really good snowy part happened BEFORE Christmas and by the time the big day arrived, it was melting.

I have been so busy the past few months, one of my cases had a criminal trial which settled, but what a nightmare getting ready for the media coverage that went along with the sentencing!! Apparently, there's supposed to be a big newspaper article at the end of the month too... by then I really hope that part is all over because it really sucks to read about yourself and know that the only perspective that was provided... the parents provided. I HATE not being able to fill in the facts about what's really going on! And, it's hard to watch people say how perfect they are, when they're not, nobody is and in truth they would be better served if they just owned that as the rest of us do and moved on. I realize that in reading this you have no idea what I'm talking about... that's generally the case I suppose. If I had time to write more frequently then I think all of the blanks would be a little clearly defined.

BUT, that was the beauty of the snow. Everyone got to slow down and work was put aside for play... it was a Christmas miracle! We had so much fun at home with the kids, of course when it was REALLY cold and we were stuck in the house all day that was not as much fun. But we made it through, we dug out art projects and made Santa ornaments and painted canvases for the kids to give as gifts. We also worked on an igloo with the neighbor, using recycling bins as molds for the bricks... we have been fortunate to have wonderful new neighbors and that has helped us not miss our old ones quite so much. I had enough time with the kids that I felt fine sending them off to find adventures in their rooms or the basement, without the usual mommy guilt that accompanies the working Mum. It made me wish I could stay home and really spend time with the kids like I used to. But, there are mouths to feed and bills to pay so I don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

I wish I had taken pictures of the snow when it was at its highest peak, but at that point we dug out the car and chained it up... with all wheel drive we could go anywhere and it was great to visit friends and take them the things they were unable to get out and get on their own.

If I had it my way, it would snow like this every year at Christmas!

The Zine

I started working on a Zine today... it's called "Mum works for the man". I haven't decided how I feel about it yet, whether or not it's crap. BUT, it's still kinda fun. I think I may switch form the "Mama in the trenches" sharpie and Bic style format, which is fun but isn't quite me... and move to something on the computer.

That's all I have for today.

The Fucking PTA

So... here's a rant that I posted on a message board and have decided to paste for all to share...

Are any of you guys in the PTA? Do any of you with little kids think that you'll want to be? I used to think I could really mix things upin the PTA. HA! The PTA, is like a sorority at our school and somehow we are lost as to when rush is and what exactly we have to do to pledge. I'm starting to hate the fucking PTA.

I just noticed that we missed the first PTA meeting of the year while I was out of commission last week. Last year we had a hard time getting into the 'groove' with the PTA and I thought it was because we started the year late and never went to the first meeting. It's weird; the parents who are the most judgmental are the ones who you expect to be the least so. All of the `yuppies' who work their high powered jobs, have adopted their kids from assorted Asian countries and have now placed them in the school's Chinese immersion program are nice and accepting of our four mom status (or faking that they are, but whatever). For some reason, I would expect THEM to lookdown on us, how some of us dress or how we parent, but they're pretty cool in general. I mean, if I'm going to `judge a group of people instead of individuals' then this group is nice.

The eight or so moms who are the head of the PTA, and hold every office year after year are not. (They look tired and worn out with butt-loads of kids and chic-jeans. I am being a bitch I realize, but I am fed up with being shut out by the PTA.) When school started this year, they actually ignored me in the halls, seriously… are you twelve? Is this really because we have four moms? Is it something ELSE? It's Portland for Chrissakes, get used to it. Perhaps they're afraid that en-mass we could take over half of their elected positions!! ;0p I really think they fucking hate us… all we wantto do is be on the playground committee and plant some veggie gardens for our kids. We don't want to corrupt you OR take off anyone's sexy-jeans. I do NOT want to pledge the sorority, those jeans make my ass look huge and I do not need help with that. I just want a BOOTH at the harvest party.

Technically, we ARE in the PTA. We paid our 10.00 each and got the lame bumper stickers that some of us put on our cars, some of us cut up and THEN put on our cars, and some of us threw away. Which makes it suck even more that we never get any real jobs or projects unless we beg. We hope this year, since we now have a child who isn't in the "Oh you must be a bad parent room" (shhh we still have one of THOSE kids too) this will change, but who knows. I guess I just wanted to hear if any of you have run into this, if it's unique to our school… and if not, how you handled it.

Swimming...

Swimming is finally over. The thing is, I know I was adamant about the kids doing swimming this summer... but they both can swim now... so I think it was worth it. I hope everyone agrees. It was torture at the end and Eph didn't finish his last class, but hindsight, aye? Roo seemed to like swimming better when Eph didn't go anyway.

He got REALLY into soccer when he was playing with cousin Kristin. I hope we can get him on a team because I think he may finally be ready for that. His social skills certainly finally seem up to it. As for Roo... Angie says that she wants to do Ballet again, but she says Karate. Yuck to both, although she WAS cute in ballet. I think a team sport would be nice for her as well... she's needing some 'teamwork' support. Maybe we just need to take her to some sporting events and see what she's into.

Regardless... swimming is over. We decided to take them to the lake next weekend to celebrate.

The Baby Whisperer

(Baby Frances, look at how cute she is as a pumpkin with Eph an Roo below!)

Some of you know that at work they call me the baby whisperer. When babies are brought into the office for assorted reasons and are crying, I try to ignore it... but after awhile I always go find them, settle them into sleep or if their older some sort of play... and then go back to work.

Last Friday I helped take a baby boy to the doctor. He had to have been pretty confused, I mean, I was TOTALLY confused by the whole experience. He was with a foster mom he had only known for a month and his mother whom he hadn't seen in several months... that's a lot for a six-month-old to handle. I thought I was going to help ensure that his mother was safe during the appointment that he and his foster mother attended... foster mom thought I was there to ensure that mom did not show up at all. Apparently we were both given different information regarding my 'mission'. It wasn't a child that I work with... I didn't know anyone... it's weird how even then I could pick out mom and foster mom as they entered the waiting room without a moment's hesitation. I guess it's just a look you get in your eye when you're wary of the system... I probably share their look. And again I am off topic...

The little boy was swooped into his mother's arms as soon as she saw him, causing foster mom to send out some serious tension vibes which baby clearly picked up on as he began to look at her and fuss. Mom was overly animated and intense... as any of us would be in the same situation I think, but this was also rough on baby and he was stressed by her as well. His little eyes found mine when we got to the exam room and we shared a look that seemed to be beyond his years. After that it was hard for him to look away, and I didn't avert my eyes unless someone talked to me directly. He started peeking and smiling, laying his head down and sighing as mom talked loudly about things she should have been saying and looking frantic as she threw him in the air, causing me to re-direct her. When mom put baby on the table, I found myself whispering in his ear as he cried and struggled and then he just stopped and looked at me calmly and I thought... I really am the freaking baby whisperer. How cool is that?

After that, things went fine. Mom said her goodbyes and left, although you could see it rip her heart out, I hate that part of my job and I don't mind that even after three years it hasn't gotten any easier because I think it would stink if it DID get easier. I think she was a good mom who really is devoted to her baby... and I am so sad that the worker she has is rather iron fisted in regards to her work. Just because drugs supersede a person's devotion to their child at some point... well that doesn't mean it's forever if you dig deep and help them look at why that happened. Don't we all have moments when our children are not the first thing on our minds? If you said no... you're lying. Hard core drugs just magnify that and make it harder to come back... but even that isn't forever, necessarily.

I find myself re-parenting people a LOT: settling limits and boundaries, praising accomplishments, telling people I am proud of what they have done, saying that I am disappointed because of some stupid thing they just did, that they are better than some backsliding action that just happened. We all need that a little every now and then, that's why you don't stop parenting when your kids turn 18, right? And, why we seek out parent figures if our parents DO stop... because even if it's only one time in your adult life that you need someone to put you back in check, you want to know that someone is there to do it. In my job, I get paid to do that, and if I do it well, then when it's time to close cases, they don't want to. People from over two years ago keep calling me to check in, and there's validation for the work I do every single time that happens.

But the baby whispering thing, that just feels like magic...

BABY PICTURES

Mimz and I found some CD's with Baby Pics... wanna see?

Just checking in...

I haven't written in ages, that's what happens when I work I guess. It absorbs all that is creative within me. I love parts of my job and hate others... like any job. Perhaps it really is all about striking that balance and this job is just a bit harder to do that with. I hate that this blog became about work when it was supposed to be about my kids and family. BUT, I think that they have been rather cemented together of late.

Work was better than I expected when I returned, I am better than I expected.

Now I just need to figure out how to manage that life and this one... concurrently.

Bringing things into focus

It's SCARY to change your life. I think about how long it took to change things with Angie... oy. there were a lot of other factors there that aren't HERE though. A lot more positives than this situation. I NEVER was so interested in money that I thought I would stay at a job for money. PLUS... who ever heard of a DHS worker staying in a job for money? It's not like I make six figures.

I guess, once Courtney likened this to HER hating being a counselor at CODA and gave me a full blessing on leaving... I freaked out a bit... yikes. I don't want to let anybody down.

Then again, I am SO freaked out to go to work today! I just missed six days, out of which only one was planned and so I'll no doubt have a HUGE mess to clean up! I have court on Tues and Wed that have no reports done... WAIT: who cares? WHO CARES?????? They are so awful there!!!!!!!! I will be nice to the CLIENTS and KIDS... screw the rest! I will bust it out for the families... beyond that, I have got to try and just be chill about it!

I think I am taking some anti-anxiety pills to work today. Sad, but they may just help kick off my new state of mind. :o) It will be nice to have a job where I don't need anti-anxiety pills in order to stop FREAKING out about all that I need to get done. It will also be nice to no longer need sleeping pills to fall asleep (and still wake up at 4:00am because my mind can only hold things off for so long). You should not need medication to make it through a job. A job should not create illness in you such as ulcers and yucky stuff... if it does, that job SUCKS! Even if you get to help some really kick ass people out while you're doing that job... FIND A NEW WAY to help those people!!!

My god, what was I freaking out about? Change will be good! This is just like when I freaked out before we moved here, and here is REALLY good, I cannot imagine the kids still living at the other house.

I REALLY miss the kids! They were gone for the weekend to Angie's parent's house and then Angie got a flat tire so they're coming back today. This is not only a bummer for Angie who has to buy two tires and miss work but it's also a bummer for us because it feels like forever since we've seen the kids. We had them until 10:00ish on Friday, but it feels like it's been weeks.

I can't wait to see what they think of the projects we did in the backyard, and to let them find the tiny animals that I picked up for free on the side of the road and tucked around the yard. (They're little figurines and I'm not going to tell them, just let them explore.) I also got a giant box of salt so that we could make play dough and I picked up a bunch of their books that were on hold at the library. They also start their new swimming schedule tonight which might be a nice one for summer. Come home, play and have dinner... go swim, then come home, bath, teeth story and bed. Makes me sleepy!

I guess I should try to go get ready for work. My set schedule doesn't have me starting until 8:30... that means that I have a lot of time to kill in the mornings. Kind of nice!

Changing direction...

If I were up on my sailing terminology, I would probably have some nice word like, tack?? Something that people use to explain their change in direction, using the same wind. Of course, the fact that I thought of this analogy means that it's likely overused so I should be glad that I have never been a sailor (although, it does look fun).

This weekend I got my mileage check for the year (I know, if you submit these claims within 60 days then they aren't taxed... SORRY). Courtney and I each got a new outfit (so that I can go to her sister's wedding and so that she can have pink plaid pants to train people in at work, ummm... she wins). We also got a "Baja Chimney" from Little Baja, which we decided was a much better idea than a fire pit in the yard that the kids can fall into. We have this agony over buying anything though, which I will get into, but now that it's home we're totally happy that we decided to get one. PLUS, $100 at Little Baja isn't bad for a squatty fireplace in your yard, aye? We love Senior' Squatty Pants and immediately did a bunch of yard work to make him feel more at home! (Oh and speaking of yard work, the tomatoes are up to my head and the corn to my shoulders... and I am NOT a short person!!!!)

So back to the changing directions and the money issue. Courtney and I have been at odds for awhile over my job. I don't think that she was able to see just how traumatic work has become, both in the things I witness and the things I have to deal with politically. I also wasn't doing a very good job of explaining to her that I DID hear her fears surrounding my leaving this job: insurance, mortgage, car payment, student loan, security... but that the price was becoming too high. Yesterday we hung out with Senior' Squatty Pants and she said that since I was off last week she could see that I was able to relax, and that my week off before didn't even let me do that because there was so much garbage at work. I think that because there was so much emotion tied up in not wanting to let one another down, we had stopped talking about this which then made it feel so hopeless. It felt validating to hear Courtney say that she could see my job crushing my spirit, especially after I went back refreshed and within a day or two turned into a wreck. She also reminded me of when I would quit smoking and then sneak them at work, just to make it through the day.

Now I feel better about going to work on Monday. Not great, it still makes me feel a TON of anxiety. Weird, because I KNOW I was just talking about how SOMEONE had to do this job and if not ME then who. I think that this is the mantra that we all tell ourselves in order to make it through. I also think that once you see it as only a mantra, you begin to freak out about all of the things that could go wrong, the kids who could be in harms way right this very second because of decisions that YOU made. And that doesn't even bring in all of the pressure at every turn to get everything done when you only have time to do about seven hundred things in a day if you really hurry (because you can be THAT good) instead of nine million.

So, it's time for a new... switchback. That one really works because what we would really like is for me to find a part time job and then have one parent be able to focus on all of the kids 'stuff' as they move into this crazy school time. I think that they will miss daycare initially, but I also think we can go visit, sign up for a class, volunteer to work in the garden... something like that, so they can still see their teachers. There are SO MANY details to work out, the biggest of which are: a new part time job with medical and enough pay to continue to make the mortgage. I mean, the house at times is a beast... but I feel like it is the kind of house that kids should grown up in. When Ruby says, "Mommy, this is our house forever and ever and we don't have to ever move... right?" I like being able to say, "That's right sweets!"

If I can keep all of this in mind, then I think I can keep a calm center when I re-enter work on Monday. I also will not give it the power of calling it 'hell' or 'the camp' or 'the bastard ranch' as others have at times been known to do (and by others, I do indeed include myself). I have to work a bit while I build up a cushion, get a job, and set things into motion. My goal is to leave before the new year starts. There are two thoughts on that: one, I need and end date and two, if I decide to go back to school I want an entire year with no DHS paycheck for grants/loans/etc. I'm still not sure about school though. I think I would like to take a class or two at: http://atticwritersworkshop.com/ and work on my writing before delving onto a new career that I feel lukewarm about. I have a lot of material, perhaps it's time to get it all out on paper. I can see the therapeutic interest in that as well.

Trying not to THINK...

Do you know what I have been doing this week? Grieving. I think I have been setting aside so much grief that it blindsides me when I fill up with it to capacity. Last Fall Carl died, and our bizarro job had us practically working around his body (he died at home, so not really but you see what I am saying). Then in May the baby on my case load died and I was ripped up but really, I still had to work. Part of my job invites grief and loss and I hate that part. Now, on top of that Marina leaves and my whole unit is tearing apart. I am losing not only a pseudo-mother, but one who acts the way a mother is supposed to act, who tells me to believe in myself and makes me works through difficult things when I don't want to. I feel really lost and alone. I guess it's fine to feel pretty sad about all of that. I think it's just been too much. Carl and the baby are smaller losses to me, not to their loved ones. But in my life, Megan is a gaping hole that will never quite fill or close. Ingrid is right in there with her as is Natalie, even my father and now Marina. Soon my unit will join her... yuck. I'm not feeling as messed up about it today, but I am giving also myself permission to grieve the loss which may be helping.

This week, since I was IN the bathroom anyway, I put up some shelves, looks good, aye? I also melted down the kids yucca mukka crayons into new ones for chore prizes. It's weird to find ways to fill your time when you're not asleep and you just keep crying and crying. Well, and then sleeping. Not to worry, I went to have someone check that out yesterday... I'm on my way towards recovery. I hope to be better before work Monday because I HAVE to go back there. Besides sometimes it just fills your head up and gets bigger than it needs to be.

My brain feels sluggish and numb today... I'm sure my writing is crap. I'm done.

Fourth of July Camping Photo Diary